It kills

"You don't die from a broken heart

you only wish you did."

It's heart break season.

The term we have dubbed as an excuse for the number of broken hearts and broken relationships in a given time. There's no specific month nor date. This sad season creeps up and steals happiness from all A list couples we know. And by A lister couples, I mean those who are in a relationship for more than 2 years and more. This season doesn't stay all year round though but it does catch people off guard.

I received a text from a friend and it somehow made me feel sad. Affected really, I'm not much of a sentimental person but just imagining the one who made this text, dude, the person must have serious issues. It's beautiful in a twisted way.

"Loving someone who can't love you back is like being comatosed.. Comfortably lying but unconsciously bleeding... safely sleeping but silently hurting... continuously breathing yet slowly dying."

I've had my share of heart aches in the past. I've been a battered girl friend, I admit to that. And like any other person who can relate to me when asked, why don't you leave him? I reply, because I love him. I know it's a dumb answer but you can't judge a person when he or she has chosen to place the heart above logic.

The first guy I fell head over heels for dumped me for a girl with thick eyebrows. I'm not saying that to be mean, it's how I remember people. I picture the most memorable feature they have. This guy leaves me through text and I saw him holding hands with the thick eye browed girl at the mall a few days after. The second guy turned out to be over bearing, over protective, and brutal. He accused me of having a relationship with another guy. When our relationship ended, he posted pictures in his account with other girls on night outs I never knew about.

These are the guys I've opened my world to, which I rarely do by the way, and they ended up disappointing me. All I ever wanted was to have a guy who would give his heart in exchange for mine. And they couldn't do that. How then can you force someone to love you back? Could you really do that? 

To have someone you love not love you back is one of the most painful experiences you will have in your life. Rejection hurts like hell. And when this happens, you will get upset and depressed. You'll crawl into a ball and cry like a baby. You'll wonder what went wrong along the way. In the end, the best thing you can do is to just let go.

I'd rather be alone and heart broken than hog someone's happiness in order to make myself feel better.

~myeviltwin

My own flair

"Use your talent in any way you can.
Don't keep it for yourself like a miser.
Spend it like a millionaire!"

I am a huge Glee fan. Judge me all you want but I'm proud to be a Gleek!

If only I could belch a tune like them then I would be singing about everything I do. They make it look so effortless, God bless their parents. They must be carrying those supernatural genes that improve and evolve as the years pass.

I can sing but I don't have a good singing voice per se. My voice cracks when I try to reach a high note. I am just all over the place. But not in the sense that I break mirrors or scare off critters, that's just too whacked. Nevertheless I try out my luck sometimes in karaoke bars and frequently in the shower. 

A lot of us wish we can do something other people can. And yet we falter because we just don't have that kind of gift. I end up hearing people say, "practice makes perfect" or "never give up - never surrender". Those quotes can only go a long way, you know.

In the end, all the practicing and motivation of never giving up will just be a waste of your time and energy. And that amount of time you've wasted would have been put into good use on things that you can actually do.

What I've learned in life is, if it's not for you then it's never going to be for you.

You might as well be one of those people who try hopelessly searching for the pot at the end of the rainbow. That stinkin' pot's just going to torment you and in the end you will never find it!

Lesson to be learned then, learn to work with what you've got.

I've perfected cracking my pinky finger on both hands! Some people find that weird but it's my talent. To hell then with normal people who envy my pinky cracking talent!

The weirder the talent then the more you stand out. The more unique you are.

~myeviltwin

Death slide

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

spon·ta·ne·i·ty

1

: the quality or state of being spontaneous

2

: voluntary or undetermined action or movement; also : its source

I envy the people who could have fun and live each of their days to the fullest. Those who have the ability to just let go, be crazy, and have total disregard of how people would judge them.

Though I can be a deviant - all of us have the innate ability to be one. I've learned to control my actions in order to stop upsetting the people around me.

I've been like this for so long that I feel like a robot. I talk when spoken to. I stand when I'm asked to. I do my school work without being told. I'm the all average Miss little goody two shoes. You get the picture, right?

It's just been fairly recent where I have discovered the path I lost. The path of fun, adrenaline, and just being a kid. I am still a kid after all despite my age. Only that, I am forced to be the responsible little adult because no one else in our house would take the position.  It's never been all fun and games. It was all about having to grow up soon, getting good grades or else, and taking care of other people. I was brought up to think that my needs are not important and that I am selfish if I thought otherwise.

Yesterday, I got out and about. I went on a road trip with my friends. They took me to a place where I've never been. I've always loved nature and just breathing the fresh air made me feel oh so relaxed. By the end of the day, after a few stops to take pictures, we arrived at our destination. 

It was a zipline adventure from one end to another with just a harness as your best friend. I don't know how long it would take to fall down but I was sure that if I did, I would be dead instantly. Curse gravity!

My heart was racing, my palms were sweaty. I felt like I would have an anxiety attack. Where did my deviant persona go? I could feel my legs shaking and my friend held my hand and said, it's okay - you can do it! Easy for her to say, it was her 3rd time to do it. 

It was the craziest, most remotely dangerous stunt I have ever done in the history of my existence. But when I was up there hanging for dear life, I felt a sense of freedom. I wasn't scared anymore. It was my moment to shout and let go of everything. It was just me and the wilderness. And so I did shout.  My friends don't know it but I was tearing up. Moments like that are so rare for me.

And as I launch myself for another round of death slide, I wished for the adventure to never end.

~myeviltwin

The art in suffering

"Nobody cares if you can't dance well  
Just get up and dance."

Suck it up, child. That's life.

The very line fed to me all the time when I was on the brink of tears as a child, as a teenager, and even as an adult.

Thinking back, if only someone would have told me to just let the waterworks flow maybe, just maybe, I would have been a happier person.

In contrast to the definition of my name, I have lived under a rock for most of my life. In my own abysmal world where hatred and pain have always been my only emotions. Don't get me wrong, there are happy moments too and yet they easily pop and fade like bubbles. I am a hot mess. I am not perfect. I am lost. And I have always estranged myself from the hope of ever finding a way out from my misery. It's not that I didn't try but it just doesn't work out, let's leave it at that.

Today, however, I have realized that I am not the only person in the world that feels this way. I met a group of different people with different backgrounds and yet we had something in common - we are all scarred.  This made me feel a sense of relief. I may feel lonely but truly, I am not alone.

I am a part of the Expressive Arts Therapy group. It encourages individuals who have so much emotional baggage to give voice to their pains in order to heal. Lucky me, this is the break I have been waiting for. It may be coincidence, it may be a blessing. All I know is, this can help me learn to live again.

We gathered around and danced. Yes, we simply danced to the beat of 5 dancing paths that each had its own meaning or outcomes.

Waves

- Discovering our feet and and stopping from holding our breath.

Heartbeat

- Feeling our hearts open and when it closes. What this has to do with love and how we badly want and need it.

Cycles

- Getting behind each of our story and not being ruled by it.

Mirrors I and II

- Knowing who we are and who we are not as a major contribution to a better world.

Silver desert

- Feeling inner peace and self realization.

More like I was hypnotized, I danced my heart and soul out. I gave in and let go of all my inhibitions. Seriously, I am too young to be trapped in the solitary confinement of sadness. I guess I have known that fact already but self pity got the best of me that's why I never worked on being happy.

I danced like there's no tomorrow. I did and I feel just great. All the pain, frustrations, confusion, bitterness - I let it all out. I celebrated my vulnerability and my total disregard for love of myself. With the acceptance of all these, I will start to heal.

There was no specific dance step. I am the dance. The lights were off but still I closed my eyes and drifted off to my own heaven. In that moment, I felt like a child again. I did feel at ease just being me and doing my thing. After the dance, I smiled. I felt the weight of the world just lifted off from my shoulders.

And for the first time in a very long time, I could breathe without feeling my heart ache.

I know I'll have more problems to encounter. I'll suffer more than I can take. I've learned though that with creative expression, I can get through any negative emotions. What does not kill me, makes me stronger. The world may knock me down but hopefully I can be as graceful as a ballerina this time and for the days to come.

Long live the Arts!

~myeviltwin

I am

"Seriously, let's get high."

She does not react, from her lips not a word.

But her eyes just lightens as she discovers this world.

Her face is blank, expressions bleak.

She shows no signs of interest to speak.

Her mind's just tired, just tired of thinking,

Of words that can describe the state she is living.

Of course she has feelings of which she is afraid to show.

And yet the time has come for the people to know.

I am a blogger. I have much to share.

From life to love, from sin to grace.

From happiness to anger, from likes to distastes.

I am a blogger, entitled to speak my mind.

A little euphemism, harsh critics, future posts outlined.

I am a blogger, as opposed to talking, I'd rather write.

Let my ideas and imaginations start flowing.

And here begins I now, Take flight...

~myeviltwin