Dream & Achieve

 A requirement for my English 13 class.
A character sketch: A true person. A true story.

Like Mike

Time was crucial. I was a working student, I have chickens to feed, and I have so many things to do. Time is lacking.

I have never met a man who had so much interest in chickens. He has never been late as far as I know it for he is so crucial when it comes to time. I met him 3 months ago and though we see each other often; I have never really come to talk about his back story. He is a man with a lot to say and this is because he has gone through a lot in his 46 years of existence.  He was born in a humble family on the 2^nd day of September 1964, the 5th child of Lydia and Pino who had 8 other children. 

His parents named him Michael but he prefers to be called Mike. As fairytales go, big families usually live together happily ever after, intact and well provided. But this wasn’t the case for Mike, after all this isn’t a fairytale story. This is one who speaks of a man who has lived through pain and misery, a man who has experienced hardships. This is a true story of a man who has lived in reality.

Although he had a loving mother, he had an irresponsible father to pair with it. His father was a carpenter and his mother was a simple housekeeper. Money had become the number one problem of his family. There was never enough to go around. The lack of resources had even hindered him from having books for school. The lack of cooperation within his family had affected him as well. The reason why the young boy had to become a man was simply because he had no choice. All these struggles had gotten to him and this contributed to Mike growing up too fast and too soon. Of course, he didn’t want to but he needed to.

It’s not new when we hear of people working in order to finish school. But knowing Mike, he worked 3 times as hard as anybody else I know. You can say he is a bit of a perfectionist but that’s what happens when you grow up too soon. He took accountancy in college because he loved math. Mike was a non academic scholar, he did house chores, and he was a working student. He had to juggle one thing after the other. You would think he was super man with the way he lived each day. Time was always and is still of the essence to him until this day. He has learned that time should be treated as a blessing for you can never have enough of it. That is why you should appreciate it when it comes. Despite all the hindrances Mike has encountered, he continued his studies. You reap what you sow and that is what he did. He sowed for what he wanted to achieve in his years in school and he reaped a number of awards including having the honor of being a part of the dean’s list. His life didn’t end just there yet. Mike continued his studies and he graduated from law school. He is currently taking his masters for special education.

Mike isn’t married yet. His family has always been his priority and that is why he has preferred to take care of them especially his mother. He continues to become an asset to the community by being a public servant, he prays over people and does apostolate work. Mike does this in order to inflict change among others like Ghandi. He admires him because he made a movement without adopting harm; he was a catalyst of change. The hardships he had lived through have made him appreciate and practice his family values until today. Through it all, Mike has become a stronger and better person. He never stopped and settled for just dreaming. He has made and is still continuing to make his dreams a reality.

Life is never always about happy moments. The life that can be said to have been worth living are the ones that comprise of bruised elbows and scraped knees. The scars from the stumbles represent how strong you are as a person. It shows that after each fall, you chose to stand and continue on living.

~myeviltwin

Pahiyom

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Pahiyom is the Visayan term for smile.

I've just learned this a few hours ago when a co member from our Expressive Arts Therapy group offered me a cut out paper with a note that said, "I need pahiyom everyday". According to her, she gave it to me as a gift because I need it the most among all the people who attended the session. My current situation has called for me to be strong and to be a grown up. I'm little in stature and the weight of the world keeps pulling me down. It's hard but I'm trying my best.

I'm not used to sharing my problems with other people. I'm not used to showing any signs of weakness and vulnerability. To cry in front of people would make me feel weak and defeated. However, all my defenses had crumbled when I told a sweet lady that I wished my mom was more like her. It sounds so corny but I meant every word I said. She kissed my cheek and smiled. How could you not feel even more teary eyed with a scene like that? How come this total stranger willingly accepts and holds me in her arms and my own mother can't even do that for me? I realized then how much I'm burdened by that reality.

Can a person still smile with a broken heart?

I can. At the end of the day I make it a point to continue on with life and keep smiling even if it hurts. My friends can't even tell when I'm bothered by something until I tell them. I've learned the art of portraying the perfect poker face. See, I have realized that whatever your emotion is, you mirror it around you. I'd rather be happy and have the world be happy with me. Don't you?

I know it's never going to be easy to just smile and not let things get you down. But one should always remember that there are more things in life much in need to be thankful for. When you learn to embrace the dark nights of your life, you will appreciate more the lightness of the day. Healing starts with acceptance and with acceptance you will learn to look back on your past without bitterness or resentment.

So now I accept that I have a dysfunctional family. I accept the hardships I am going through. I accept that the strong persona I show is only a facade. I accept that I am weak and I'll need help once in awhile. I accept the imperfectness of my being. And now, I am healing.

Keep the positivity in you flowing! Pahiyom my friend, smile everyday!

~myeviltwin

It kills

"You don't die from a broken heart

you only wish you did."

It's heart break season.

The term we have dubbed as an excuse for the number of broken hearts and broken relationships in a given time. There's no specific month nor date. This sad season creeps up and steals happiness from all A list couples we know. And by A lister couples, I mean those who are in a relationship for more than 2 years and more. This season doesn't stay all year round though but it does catch people off guard.

I received a text from a friend and it somehow made me feel sad. Affected really, I'm not much of a sentimental person but just imagining the one who made this text, dude, the person must have serious issues. It's beautiful in a twisted way.

"Loving someone who can't love you back is like being comatosed.. Comfortably lying but unconsciously bleeding... safely sleeping but silently hurting... continuously breathing yet slowly dying."

I've had my share of heart aches in the past. I've been a battered girl friend, I admit to that. And like any other person who can relate to me when asked, why don't you leave him? I reply, because I love him. I know it's a dumb answer but you can't judge a person when he or she has chosen to place the heart above logic.

The first guy I fell head over heels for dumped me for a girl with thick eyebrows. I'm not saying that to be mean, it's how I remember people. I picture the most memorable feature they have. This guy leaves me through text and I saw him holding hands with the thick eye browed girl at the mall a few days after. The second guy turned out to be over bearing, over protective, and brutal. He accused me of having a relationship with another guy. When our relationship ended, he posted pictures in his account with other girls on night outs I never knew about.

These are the guys I've opened my world to, which I rarely do by the way, and they ended up disappointing me. All I ever wanted was to have a guy who would give his heart in exchange for mine. And they couldn't do that. How then can you force someone to love you back? Could you really do that? 

To have someone you love not love you back is one of the most painful experiences you will have in your life. Rejection hurts like hell. And when this happens, you will get upset and depressed. You'll crawl into a ball and cry like a baby. You'll wonder what went wrong along the way. In the end, the best thing you can do is to just let go.

I'd rather be alone and heart broken than hog someone's happiness in order to make myself feel better.

~myeviltwin

My own flair

"Use your talent in any way you can.
Don't keep it for yourself like a miser.
Spend it like a millionaire!"

I am a huge Glee fan. Judge me all you want but I'm proud to be a Gleek!

If only I could belch a tune like them then I would be singing about everything I do. They make it look so effortless, God bless their parents. They must be carrying those supernatural genes that improve and evolve as the years pass.

I can sing but I don't have a good singing voice per se. My voice cracks when I try to reach a high note. I am just all over the place. But not in the sense that I break mirrors or scare off critters, that's just too whacked. Nevertheless I try out my luck sometimes in karaoke bars and frequently in the shower. 

A lot of us wish we can do something other people can. And yet we falter because we just don't have that kind of gift. I end up hearing people say, "practice makes perfect" or "never give up - never surrender". Those quotes can only go a long way, you know.

In the end, all the practicing and motivation of never giving up will just be a waste of your time and energy. And that amount of time you've wasted would have been put into good use on things that you can actually do.

What I've learned in life is, if it's not for you then it's never going to be for you.

You might as well be one of those people who try hopelessly searching for the pot at the end of the rainbow. That stinkin' pot's just going to torment you and in the end you will never find it!

Lesson to be learned then, learn to work with what you've got.

I've perfected cracking my pinky finger on both hands! Some people find that weird but it's my talent. To hell then with normal people who envy my pinky cracking talent!

The weirder the talent then the more you stand out. The more unique you are.

~myeviltwin

Death slide

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

spon·ta·ne·i·ty

1

: the quality or state of being spontaneous

2

: voluntary or undetermined action or movement; also : its source

I envy the people who could have fun and live each of their days to the fullest. Those who have the ability to just let go, be crazy, and have total disregard of how people would judge them.

Though I can be a deviant - all of us have the innate ability to be one. I've learned to control my actions in order to stop upsetting the people around me.

I've been like this for so long that I feel like a robot. I talk when spoken to. I stand when I'm asked to. I do my school work without being told. I'm the all average Miss little goody two shoes. You get the picture, right?

It's just been fairly recent where I have discovered the path I lost. The path of fun, adrenaline, and just being a kid. I am still a kid after all despite my age. Only that, I am forced to be the responsible little adult because no one else in our house would take the position.  It's never been all fun and games. It was all about having to grow up soon, getting good grades or else, and taking care of other people. I was brought up to think that my needs are not important and that I am selfish if I thought otherwise.

Yesterday, I got out and about. I went on a road trip with my friends. They took me to a place where I've never been. I've always loved nature and just breathing the fresh air made me feel oh so relaxed. By the end of the day, after a few stops to take pictures, we arrived at our destination. 

It was a zipline adventure from one end to another with just a harness as your best friend. I don't know how long it would take to fall down but I was sure that if I did, I would be dead instantly. Curse gravity!

My heart was racing, my palms were sweaty. I felt like I would have an anxiety attack. Where did my deviant persona go? I could feel my legs shaking and my friend held my hand and said, it's okay - you can do it! Easy for her to say, it was her 3rd time to do it. 

It was the craziest, most remotely dangerous stunt I have ever done in the history of my existence. But when I was up there hanging for dear life, I felt a sense of freedom. I wasn't scared anymore. It was my moment to shout and let go of everything. It was just me and the wilderness. And so I did shout.  My friends don't know it but I was tearing up. Moments like that are so rare for me.

And as I launch myself for another round of death slide, I wished for the adventure to never end.

~myeviltwin

The art in suffering

"Nobody cares if you can't dance well  
Just get up and dance."

Suck it up, child. That's life.

The very line fed to me all the time when I was on the brink of tears as a child, as a teenager, and even as an adult.

Thinking back, if only someone would have told me to just let the waterworks flow maybe, just maybe, I would have been a happier person.

In contrast to the definition of my name, I have lived under a rock for most of my life. In my own abysmal world where hatred and pain have always been my only emotions. Don't get me wrong, there are happy moments too and yet they easily pop and fade like bubbles. I am a hot mess. I am not perfect. I am lost. And I have always estranged myself from the hope of ever finding a way out from my misery. It's not that I didn't try but it just doesn't work out, let's leave it at that.

Today, however, I have realized that I am not the only person in the world that feels this way. I met a group of different people with different backgrounds and yet we had something in common - we are all scarred.  This made me feel a sense of relief. I may feel lonely but truly, I am not alone.

I am a part of the Expressive Arts Therapy group. It encourages individuals who have so much emotional baggage to give voice to their pains in order to heal. Lucky me, this is the break I have been waiting for. It may be coincidence, it may be a blessing. All I know is, this can help me learn to live again.

We gathered around and danced. Yes, we simply danced to the beat of 5 dancing paths that each had its own meaning or outcomes.

Waves

- Discovering our feet and and stopping from holding our breath.

Heartbeat

- Feeling our hearts open and when it closes. What this has to do with love and how we badly want and need it.

Cycles

- Getting behind each of our story and not being ruled by it.

Mirrors I and II

- Knowing who we are and who we are not as a major contribution to a better world.

Silver desert

- Feeling inner peace and self realization.

More like I was hypnotized, I danced my heart and soul out. I gave in and let go of all my inhibitions. Seriously, I am too young to be trapped in the solitary confinement of sadness. I guess I have known that fact already but self pity got the best of me that's why I never worked on being happy.

I danced like there's no tomorrow. I did and I feel just great. All the pain, frustrations, confusion, bitterness - I let it all out. I celebrated my vulnerability and my total disregard for love of myself. With the acceptance of all these, I will start to heal.

There was no specific dance step. I am the dance. The lights were off but still I closed my eyes and drifted off to my own heaven. In that moment, I felt like a child again. I did feel at ease just being me and doing my thing. After the dance, I smiled. I felt the weight of the world just lifted off from my shoulders.

And for the first time in a very long time, I could breathe without feeling my heart ache.

I know I'll have more problems to encounter. I'll suffer more than I can take. I've learned though that with creative expression, I can get through any negative emotions. What does not kill me, makes me stronger. The world may knock me down but hopefully I can be as graceful as a ballerina this time and for the days to come.

Long live the Arts!

~myeviltwin

I am

"Seriously, let's get high."

She does not react, from her lips not a word.

But her eyes just lightens as she discovers this world.

Her face is blank, expressions bleak.

She shows no signs of interest to speak.

Her mind's just tired, just tired of thinking,

Of words that can describe the state she is living.

Of course she has feelings of which she is afraid to show.

And yet the time has come for the people to know.

I am a blogger. I have much to share.

From life to love, from sin to grace.

From happiness to anger, from likes to distastes.

I am a blogger, entitled to speak my mind.

A little euphemism, harsh critics, future posts outlined.

I am a blogger, as opposed to talking, I'd rather write.

Let my ideas and imaginations start flowing.

And here begins I now, Take flight...

~myeviltwin