The art in suffering

"Nobody cares if you can't dance well  
Just get up and dance."

Suck it up, child. That's life.

The very line fed to me all the time when I was on the brink of tears as a child, as a teenager, and even as an adult.

Thinking back, if only someone would have told me to just let the waterworks flow maybe, just maybe, I would have been a happier person.

In contrast to the definition of my name, I have lived under a rock for most of my life. In my own abysmal world where hatred and pain have always been my only emotions. Don't get me wrong, there are happy moments too and yet they easily pop and fade like bubbles. I am a hot mess. I am not perfect. I am lost. And I have always estranged myself from the hope of ever finding a way out from my misery. It's not that I didn't try but it just doesn't work out, let's leave it at that.

Today, however, I have realized that I am not the only person in the world that feels this way. I met a group of different people with different backgrounds and yet we had something in common - we are all scarred.  This made me feel a sense of relief. I may feel lonely but truly, I am not alone.

I am a part of the Expressive Arts Therapy group. It encourages individuals who have so much emotional baggage to give voice to their pains in order to heal. Lucky me, this is the break I have been waiting for. It may be coincidence, it may be a blessing. All I know is, this can help me learn to live again.

We gathered around and danced. Yes, we simply danced to the beat of 5 dancing paths that each had its own meaning or outcomes.

Waves

- Discovering our feet and and stopping from holding our breath.

Heartbeat

- Feeling our hearts open and when it closes. What this has to do with love and how we badly want and need it.

Cycles

- Getting behind each of our story and not being ruled by it.

Mirrors I and II

- Knowing who we are and who we are not as a major contribution to a better world.

Silver desert

- Feeling inner peace and self realization.

More like I was hypnotized, I danced my heart and soul out. I gave in and let go of all my inhibitions. Seriously, I am too young to be trapped in the solitary confinement of sadness. I guess I have known that fact already but self pity got the best of me that's why I never worked on being happy.

I danced like there's no tomorrow. I did and I feel just great. All the pain, frustrations, confusion, bitterness - I let it all out. I celebrated my vulnerability and my total disregard for love of myself. With the acceptance of all these, I will start to heal.

There was no specific dance step. I am the dance. The lights were off but still I closed my eyes and drifted off to my own heaven. In that moment, I felt like a child again. I did feel at ease just being me and doing my thing. After the dance, I smiled. I felt the weight of the world just lifted off from my shoulders.

And for the first time in a very long time, I could breathe without feeling my heart ache.

I know I'll have more problems to encounter. I'll suffer more than I can take. I've learned though that with creative expression, I can get through any negative emotions. What does not kill me, makes me stronger. The world may knock me down but hopefully I can be as graceful as a ballerina this time and for the days to come.

Long live the Arts!

~myeviltwin