Make a choice

I am torn.

Matthew 6:24 says, you cannot serve two masters. Although I do not follow much of what is written in the bible or actually read it to begin with, I can attest that not in all things this is applicable. I can do my homework while listening to music. I can take a call and write down a ticket. I can eat and watch television at the same time. The term is called human multitasking to be exact. It is the ability of a person to perform more than one task at the same time.

However, there is one thing that ultimately becomes a contradiction to this. Love. Sure, you can love a family member and a special someone at the same time, you can have two boyfriends or two girlfriends, have more than one best friend perhaps. But then, someone has to be closer to your heart in all those people you claim to love. I don't believe in people who say, I love them all equally. That's an answer they use as a means of hiding what they really feel because people hate having to choose one thing over the other. We all want everything that makes us happy. Sometimes we want things that are not meant for us. We still work in order to gain it though we know it's only for a moment's time of happiness.

Contentment. I ask for this value each time I pray, which truthfully is never often. It's when you have contentment, you feel most happy in what you have. You don't just simply settle for something or someone. You embrace what you've got and feel like you're the luckiest being in the world for having attained that gift, whether it be in the form of something material, or in the form of an abstract feeling like the love of a person. 

I don't know the exact time span or what to do in order to have that. I guess it'll just come to a person. It'll be be the time when you stop asking for the latest gadgets or what's in trend. And maybe, when a person actually stops thinking, I wish I had two hearts to love you and another.

~myeviltwin

Sweetness

Ice cream makes me happy, love.

As I tiptoe my way to open the curtains, I can imagine her sweet smile greeting me another wonderful morning. The sweet smell of her perfume still lingers on her side of the bed. As I walk down the halls of our dream house built on the foundation of our love, I can still feel her warmth walking beside me. That's how it has always been for awhile now, she's so close and yet so far from my reach. And if I listen closely I can hear the sound of her beating heart, I know for a fact that it only beats for me. I can still hear her voice clearly now as if she never left, as if she's just there, calling me.

"Honey, breakfast is ready". "I'm sorry love, I don't feel like eating breakfast, really" I said. She replied with that silly puppy eye look she gives me, "Oh please, won't you join me for breakfast? It's only the most important meal of the day, you know. And after let's go buy ice cream for dessert tonight. Pretty please?" And with that she instantly changes my mind. Seriously, no one can ever resist that puppy eye look she gives. Most importantly, I can never resist the whole of her entirely. She knows me better than anyone in the world, even more than I know myself. She has always been the light that guides me home. The one who plants a smile on my lips when I'm feeling down. My love for her grew a million times more than my own body can contain, when she had our first child. Our little bundle of joy just overflows with love. To top it off, she's the spitting image of her mother in almost every way. Life could not get any better than this. My two great loves, here in my arms. I thought the happiness would last for as long as I lived. And then the solid wheel of my life just went into a sudden halt when I heard the news.

"She's dying. Only about 6 months or less to live. I'm sorry". Sorry. That's all the doctor had to say. He breaks the most dumbfounded news and sorry is all he can give to me. I wanted to walk right in front of him and crush his skull with my bare hands. Just as I was about to make reality the image of strangling him, she held my hand tightly. I saw her tears flowing and I immediately hugged her. I asked her if she was okay, if anything hurt, most importantly, I hugged her to let her know I was there for her. She looked up and stared at me for a second, smiled through her tears and said, "Honey, let's go get ice cream".

She's on her hospital bed now. It's been a year since the doctor had set an expiration date for her. It just goes to show how strong she is. I'm proud of her and yet at the same time, it ultimately breaks my spirit when I see her in pain. If only I could take it all for myself. Just take me, please. Not my wife. She's always been so good and so wonderful. Why take such an angel away? I try to be more than just be a husband. At home, I juggle my way through work and taking care of our daughter. As much as I didn't want to leave her side, she forces me to continue on living normally. Our little angel is 3 now, she's smart like her mother. Too smart, she asked me one day when her momma's going to be home. I gently pinched her cherub cheeks and said, "Soon angel, I really hope soon". But the heavens did not permit that. As each day passed by, she grew weaker and her body failing. Despite this, she continues to remain optimistic. She still had that hint of glow in her eyes. And she still craves for that sweet dessert, you guessed it, ice cream. One day I said, "You know love, I'm going to get diabetes and eventually follow you". "Don't say that", she replied. I bowed my head torn between the two great loves of my life. I wanted to be with her but I can't leave our daughter. I'm sure she wouldn't let me. She startled me while I was in deep thought. "Ice cream makes me happy and I love you". At that moment, I broke down. The tears I kept just all washed out. "I love you too. So, please get better. Don't leave us. Don't leave me". I admit I was like a child but truth be told, that saying that goes, I can't live without you is true. Or at least, it applies to me. This time, she was the one who had to hug me. "I'm sorry this is hurting you. I'll always be here. I'll always love you. Be strong. Please let me go". 

She's gone now. Our daughter and I are sitting outside the church. The service had finished an hour ago but we both decided to stay. She's quiet and so am I. In a way, she got that gift of silence and drowning in deep thought from me. The final conversation I had with my wife was not easy but as you can see I decided to let her go. To force her to stay would just hurt us both. I didn't want to see her suffering anymore. I calmed myself down that night, kissed her forehead, and said, "I'll always love you too. Rest well my love". She smiled and held my hand throughout the night. In the morning, she was declared dead. I was heart broken and devastated. Our daughter cried in my arms when she heard the news. She's so young and yet she understands fully what death means. 

A few minutes passed, our little girl held my hand and said, "Daddy, let's go get ice cream". "You sound like your momma. Why do you want ice cream?" I said. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and replied, "Ice cream makes me happy. Momma always said, happiness is best shared with someone you love. And I love you, daddy". I was stunned, so the mystery of her mother's taste for the sweet delight has been revealed. I never really thought of it that way before, it makes sense to me now. I held on to my little girl's hand, smiled and replied, "And your momma's absolutely right, I love you both too".

~myeviltwin 

Mamma Mia

Mom, please love me for me.

She lies in bed, consumed by the darkness and the dead eerie silence of the night. Around this time she contemplates about her life. She smiled thinking of how her day went with her friends yesterday. She's sincerely happy for the moment. Almost at lost in her reminiscing she then stopped before she'd drown in her fantasy. And then a heavy sigh followed, all the happiness disappeared as quickly as it had surfaced. 

Earlier in the day she had another fight with her mother. The type of argument where you would think the senseless bickering would never end. The angst she felt just flowed freely in her veins. There is a saying that goes, she remembered, that no other person in the world could love you more than your own mother. For a mother's love is unconditional. A mother's love is pure and powerful beyond compare. Then if that is so, she thought, my own mother cannot love me for what I am. She stares at the unknown distance, starts to tear up and alone inside the four walls of her room, she hears the slowly beating sound of her broken heart. My mom just does not understand me, she continued thinking. She only sees what she wants to see. And sadly, the only thing she does really take in are the memories of my past and present mistakes. More so, she even assumes the future mistakes I will commit. I know I'll never be perfect, she shouts in her head, but I know I've done my best to be a good daughter. Would it really kill her to show a little appreciation for the stuff I have worked hard to accomplish only for her?

To be criticized and ridiculed by other people is bad enough but what more when it's actually done by the one who claims to be the flesh of your flesh and the blood of your blood. It would hurt a hundred, even a thousand times more when painful words about you would come out from your own mother's lips. Cuts and burns are easier to fix than a broken self esteem and a bruised ego caused by the tormenting insults from the one you look up to. The more you hold your ground to fight for what you think is right, the more you falter. You are a rebel fighting without a cause. For in every situation your mother or father says you are dead wrong then there is not a chance in the world that you will ever be right to them. There are even others who know they are wrong and yet they will never admit to that.

The sad reality is starting to sink in her mind even more. But still she prays it'll all change. For she would have never been born if it weren't for her mother. She's thankful for the gift of life still despite of how she is treated. That's how much of a good daughter she is. She can never hate her forever even if she really wanted to. Because at the end of the day, all she really wants is for her mother to appreciate her. To care for her. To understand her. And to love her most of all.

And so she throws herself on her pillows as a form of surrender, as the rain started to pour, simultaneously her tears started to roll down her cheeks in defeat.  

~myeviltwin

Question

...Why?

In all things that I could not understand and for all reasons I can't thoroughly grasp, I tend to question why it is all happening to me.

Everyone has their ups and downs but when the downs just keep coming and when I'm in too deep, I wonder how much of a bad person I am to deserve all the troubles I'm going through. It's easy for people to say that the big guy up there's trying to test my faith. He wouldn't give me something I can't handle. I hear myself say; yeah right! How long does he plan to challenge my faith, would that be up until I don't have any left? Does he really want that to happen? I'm not much of a religious person as you can see. I do believe though that there is someone far greater than me out there. I don't know what his deal with me is but I sometimes wish he would step back and give me a break. 

Do you ever feel like the whole universe is conspiring to always get you to quit on life?

You have a problem and just when it gets solved, another one comes in and just throws you out of balance completely. Sometimes I wish I'd have the solutions to all my problems. What I wouldn't give for a cheat code or something to get me through tough times. If scientists can build ultra magnetic and what not time bombs, engineers can build more than a 10-story building, if Superman discovered you can wear tights and briefs on the outside, then why can't we have cheat sheets for various difficult situations too much for a person to handle!?

But then I retrace my thoughts, clear my head, and stop to actually think maturely. If I did have the answers to everything then I might as well be dead by now. If you ask me how I came to that morbid conclusion well it's simple really. If I had cheat codes to my problems, if the world is so damn perfect, if there's no more room needed for self improvement, then what the hell am I here in the world for?

People who usually go first are the good ones who have nothing left to contribute in the world because they've done their time and paid their dues. Those of us left, well, we're still trying to figure out what we're here for. And I guess through each of the problems we encounter and single-handedly or with the help of others unravel, we find a piece of the large puzzle we're trying to discover and a clue for our actual purpose. To minimize death tolls due to suicide or increase of patients in psychiatric wards, we should all learn not to always try to make sense out of something that does not make sense at the moment. There is a rational explanation for everything. Those people who are patient enough will surely be rewarded by being given the reason why a certain situation has happened in the end.

A friend of mine told me at one time that for every muscle you tear or bone you break, once it heals, it becomes stronger. And with that logic I come to make out that for each troublesome catastrophe that blows up on each of us, when we actually survive and live to tell the tale, we too become stronger in both heart and mind. 

What does not break our soul, keeps us alive.

~myeviltwin

The lesson

To love is gift and a curse.

Loving someone is the greatest feeling ever and at the same time it is a burden on one's part. As most of us know, when we love someone we not only give up the time we allocate for ourselves but in a way we also give up our whole being for that person. I sometimes see it as a modern way of sacrificial giving, instead of a lamb, you sacrifice your heart. Though you don't cut it out literally but when the moment comes the person you love can no longer reciprocate the love you give, you'd only wish it be taken out forcefully.

I'm not an expert on the subject of how to get over the person you once loved or the secrets of how to keep a relationship strong 101. I do know however that you can only get over someone when you decide so for yourself. You can be happy again when you choose to be happy. You either choose to stand or fall, it's always your call. The sickening truth in some cases is that some people love the pain unconsciously. That's why they continue to mourn for the relationship that would have worked out if it was actually meant to be. 

The second thing I know is that you always have to keep in mind that there is no such thing as forever. The inevitable will happen, you will die. The same thing as how you came into this world, you crawled out of your mother's tunnel alone and alone you shall leave the face of the earth. 

Third, believe in the saying an eye for an eye. There is always a price or an exchange for everything in life. But you'll learn a lot from this exchange. See, you will never learn to appreciate the sunshine if it doesn't rain. You can't appreciate happiness without sadness nor will you appreciate the ups of life if you haven't experienced being down. Most certainly then, you can never appreciate love if you won't get hurt. There is always that unwritten contract that when you love, you have to be prepared to get hurt. We sometimes miss out and forget about that fact. And it's no wonder why we crawl in a ball of regret in the end.

Fourth, stay away from fairy tale books. Stay in the reality and never in the world of make believe. Don't copy the lives of the characters in the books you read. You could either work your way into creating your own lovely story or rot and wait for the wrong princess or prince charming. Be my guest.

Lastly,  live in the moment. Live here and now. Live in the present. It's okay to dream of a future with your partner but never to the point where you'd have everything too planned out. Spontaneity is one of the keys for a long lasting relationship.

And so there, the results may vary but that's just me. I don't believe that love can survive a million light years. I only believe that the love you have now is a blessing. You can't have it forever that's why you have to value every moment of the wonderful feeling. So when the love is gone, you won't regret on anything but rather be glad to find out that you are capable of loving and surviving the hurt it brings.

~myeviltwin

Get mad

Anger is one letter short of danger

My once close friend and yet now my bitter enemy.

The keeper of my secrets and now the epiphany of my regrets.

What I wouldn't give to take back the days I lived under your shadow.

You made me your puppet.

You made me do your every whim.

And I was foolish enough to bow down and keep my mouth shut.

Everything had to be all about you.

I have never met anyone who's as selfish as you.

You don't admit it but you spend money in order to have friends.

I feel so sorry for you, it's high time you should realize that

money can't buy you true love nor happiness.

Your self proclaimed greatness has gotten into my nerves.

You challenged me to break out of my zone and so I did.

I broke the strings you've sown and now I live my life the way I choose.

You're not as strong as you think you are.

Wake up from your fantasy.

You think everyone likes you when everyone actually hates you.

To this very day I crave to tear you apart.

Pray you'll never see me again.

For I know enough of you that would make you wish you never met me.

~myeviltwin

Journey

A heritage of Cebu
Nuestra Señora del Pilar de Zaragoza

"I'll wake you up tomorrow at 4:30 in the morning", he said.

"Where are we going?", I asked.

"Out to jog from here to the next town". I smirked and said, okay.

I'm all about keeping my body fit. Although I don't eat the right kinds of food all the time but I do move a lot. I've been exposed to exercising just recently by my guy friends who are health enthusiasts. I've maintained my normal body weight until now, never going over board nor drastically dwindling down my weight.

I woke up, got in my jogging outfit, and went out to stretch. It's different in the province. You can tell by just the cold and wet grass smell of the air. It's better than the smoke from all the cars in the city. The roosters are starting to wake up, the sky just the right hint of purplish blue. I stood and saw the long stretch of road ahead of me. This is going to be an easy run, I told myself as I plugged my earphones and played my favorite song.

Our destination is a town called Sibonga. Later did I know that it was a 5 kilometer jog from where we were.  I've never been to that place and so I was excited to get there as fast as I could. We started to jog from the border. The first 20 minute jog was easy to do. I was concentrating on my steps and my breathing. My eyes were still on that long stretch of road and my mind was thinking about the time we would reach where we were headed. I want to see the place and take pictures.

There was a lot going through my head at that time and then suddenly I turned my head to the left. There I saw the beautiful view of the sun barely shining through the clouds. The green coconut trees dancing with the wind, farm animals grazing, the ocean and its waves. I stopped and was just in awe. I unplugged my earphones and took a picture of the view. All I could utter at that moment was, "wow".

I grew up in the province, yes. But I left when I was 12 and continued my life in the city. I've forgotten the simplicity of life and the beauty of nature because I've been too exposed to buildings, traffic, and all the craziness. My jog turned into brisk walking and finally just ended up into a walk. I took pictures of whatever I saw that ignited my curiosity. I asked questions on how things work there, how the place got its name, and urban legends. I saw old ancestral houses that looked creepy and awesome at the same time. And I even saw modern houses and imagined my own dream house in the future. The sun was at its rightful place in the sky by the time we reached Sibonga. We went to the pier where a few people had this simple rod made out of wood and string with a hook on the end to catch fish. I saw a century old Acacia tree and the old church that stood proud and strong just right across the pier.

As we went home on a tricycle, I felt the cold breeze of the air on my face. It was nice to finally get to live in the moment where I'm not in a hurry to do anything or be anywhere. True enough, it's never reaching the destination that is more important. If I had kept my eye and attention on just reaching where I needed to be then I wouldn't have discovered the magnificent things around me.

To reach the destination is a bonus. To discover about life on the journey is priceless.

~myeviltwin