Emotion

I love you from the bottom of my hypothalamus!

The hypothalamus is located just below the thalamus. According to the American physiologist, Walter B. Canon, the hypothalamus is the seat of all human emotions. And of all emotions, it's love that strikes us most of all. Love comes with all sorts of definitions basing on how each individual has experienced it. But how does it begin? 

Scientifically, love comes alive through the sense of smell. We neglect to dig down deeper that this emotion happens to be produced by specific substances with effects that are the same as when one takes drugs. One substance is commonly known as pheromones, these triggers and affects our hormones. Hormones are chemical messengers inside the body that are released and basically creates our reactions. Dopamine is one of the hormones secreted by the body and it is addictive. It is associated with the reward system of the brain and so it is the reason why you want to see someone you really like badly. It gives off a feeling  of excitement, energy and motivation to do anything. The process can be so long but to summarize it, the caught smell is received by the hypothalamus, then comes the secretion of hormones, and thus creates a feeling of attraction between two people.

Although these are hard cold facts, some people would just prefer to believe that love is an emotion felt by the heart. I always have to argue that the heart is only a muscular organ that pumps blood all throughout our body. I don't belittle its significance by just defining it simply that way. After all, without it, I would most likely be dead. But it just somehow annoys me that others can easily define what love really is. It's either they're really lucky enough to have found its true meaning or I'm just a meticulous being. 

Tonight, however, I prefer to question my own belief. It's around 2am, the sky has just enough stars. The moon is blurry and hidden behind rain clouds. It's one of those cheesy nights where I just read for the nth time a novel written by Nicholas Sparks. True to his name, he sends sparks and makes me feel all giddy by the end of the story. He writes the most extraordinary and relatable plots about sadness, guilt, hope, happiness, and love. It is without a doubt, his way of writing about love and the way each character shows conviction of the emotion, that makes me think twice about my idea about it. When I start to formulate the what if's in my mind, my heart starts to race. It somehow shrinks as if someone's squeezing it dry. And maybe it's simply because, when I think about love, I have a specific person in my mind. I know there is a logical explanation to why this kind of reaction occurs. It's a another lecture of how the body works. But in this moment, I'd like to take a risk and forget about what knowledge I was educated with. 

And so I define love as an emotion that is truly felt by the heart with which only one person can make it beat faster and slower at the same time. Love is what I see when that person encourages me to become a better version of myself. Love is what I feel when I see that one person cross a room with other people to choose from but prefers to look only at me. However I define it, love will always be just love, an emotion that can break me but can never stop me from loving just the same. 

~myeviltwin

Bitter sweet

And we give you a grade of re-oral.

"Figures. The paper wasn't done. It lacked the necessary information to be proven worthy of a passing grade."

To create a thesis paper is one of the major highlights in college. It somehow represents how much knowledge you have gained in your 4 or more years in the course you have taken. An oral presentation of your thesis paper is the make it or break it moment wherein you will find out, given that you passed all your other subjects too, that you will join your ceremonial rites for graduation. And here I am, working my ass off to prove that I am worthy to be called a soon to be graduate.

The oral presentation did not go all too well. And yes, my partner in the process got all distraught and heart broken. I, for one, do not see it as something negative. It became an inspiration to push myself forward. The fight for me wasn't over yet. People expected me to be sad at that point. But seriously, how can you be sad when an opportunity was given to make better what you've made and of course, to make better your whole being?

I've recently accepted the fact that failure is indeed a part of life. The feeling, to put it in lay man's term, sucks. And there are times when you just want to give up and run for the hills. But then again, to fail is the most important aspect in learning. It teaches one a lot of values that include, maintaining the atmosphere of positivity, to understand that there is and will always be room for improvement. It teaches one to be humble, to be inspired, to be challenged. Most importantly, it teaches one that you are not perfect. There are some people though that you feel expect you to be perfect and believe me, these are the kind of people that are being bullied to be perfect too themselves. The trick is to hold true on what you can give, you may not be perfect but hell, it doesn't stop you to become the best that you can be.

Failure has a lot of definitions. It's either you see it as something negative or something positive. For others, it means: This is the end. Others say: I simply don't care anymore. For me, failure simply means: Get off your effin' ass, you are better than this and you know it. When it seems as though a situation is too hard to handle, I find it best to remember that everything has a meaning. And that in every sticky situation there is always a way out. 

Failure is not the result of the build up of mistakes you have done. Mistakes are as inevitable as change itself. And the mistakes you make in life are the foundations of the better person you are now and the better person you will become in the future. Failure then is the result of giving up without even trying, without risking to make a mistake.

If you are afraid to commit a mistake or to be imperfect, which you already are in the first place, I feel sorry for you my friend. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.

~myeviltwin

Love-ish letter

Dear you,

The pain is just plain unbearable, you see. I've always thought of us as an A couple, we may have been oddly inseparable in so many ways. But still, we were so attracted to each other because of our similarities which compensates for our differences.

I know I can live without you but it would just be as how Lord Voldemort lived a half life.

You know I'd kill a troll for you. I'd suck the life out of dementors with a vacuum. I'd have thestrals grow muscle and skin. I'd tame giants to feel as small as goblins and house elves. A boggart would instantly shape shift to my heart that only beats just for you. I know you're not much of a Harry Potter fan, screw you for that. 

In any case, you have been there for me all the way from hell to back. Did I ever tell you I often see you as that vampire named Edward from Twilight? You don't wear much make up and you're still a younger version of a virgin than him though. You make me feel all weak, you make my legs tremble, you make me feel like Bella. But then again, I have more brains than her. Why would I go off looking for a dead gay guy? And there's Jacob. Oh his muscles just explodes testosterone. You remind me of him in no way. I just wanted to emphasize your complete lack thereof of muscles.

In the end, here you are. You turn your back and you're ready to leave me. Romeo and Juliet could have not been as romantic as us. Niether can the witch of Portobello work her way in magic to conjure an everlasting love like ours. I hope ours was a walk you can remember forever. The alchemist cannot match the journey we have gone through. Now that you're gone, I'd like to decide to die but hell no. I would not do that for you. I just stated that to make this sound even cheesier. Then again, I wish you'd meet those 5 people in heaven after you lose yourself in depression.

And so love, as you jump of a bridge, crack your skull open, and die.
I wave both my middle fingers at you, goodbye. 

xoxo.

~myeviltwin

More than just that

The four goals of Psychology is to be able to define, explain, predict, and eventually control behavior.

In my years in college as a Psychology major, I have enclosed myself in a box. This box represents the foundations of Psychology. The theories, the coined terms, the famous people who contributed their brilliant ideas in the hope of further nourishing the knowledge that has already been born. Here is the box that is filled with the build up of purely facts.

Within the box is my layer of protective personal bubble. This serves as a solid barrier. The stand off point from where you and I stand. If I let you in then I'm giving you the power to either hurt me physically or emotionally.

Within that bubble is my exterior body, with which becomes an instrument of analysis because every move and reaction has a meaning. If you look to the left, you are lying. If you're pointing your feet to the door, you want to leave. If you forget a part of your past then possibly it was the time when your trauma began. 

All these attention to detail has become what I breathe and live for. But I knew there was something missing. I kept pondering on what it was and there, served on a silver platter came the answer to my curiosity. Expressive Arts Therapy. There's an art of healing you never get to hear of on a daily basis. At first, I could not let go of my inhibitions as I was deeply rooted to details and scientifically speaking, whatevers. As I gave my full attention to the possibility of it being an important factor to my growth, I felt that void in me fill up. And then I discovered something of great significance.

Now, within my exterior body is what scientists claim to be unreal and questionable, within me is my soul. You can define, explain, predict, and control behavior, yes. But you can never grab hold of what I have in my soul. It hides the real me. My emotions, my troubles, my happiness, my pain. No theories in Psychology can strip me of what I really am and what I really feel. 

Expressive Arts has become a safe haven for my soul and my whole being. There in that hall of four walls, it doesn't seem like an enclosed box, it's more like a piece of everyone's own idea of heaven. Expressive Arts teaches one to accept individuality, face adversity, and awaken one's sleeping inner child within. I realized then that in all of Psychology's completeness, it is after all incomplete. It lacks the ability to go beyond asking a patient, "and how do you feel about that?". This form of healing does not promise the resolution of problems or illnesses but it does in fact nourish a being and his or her soul through the most primitive emotion known to man that Psychology has forgotten. Love. 

Viktor Frankl once said, "Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the most innermost core of his personality.” And indeed, Expressive Arts has done that not only to me but for the rest of the members that comprise the organization who I now call my family. With the integration of concrete facts and the rebirth of humanistic transformation, I do believe that one can be  able to reach out and save more people.

This is more than just a testimony. This is a tribute to father Loreto Jaque, the backbone of this art of healing. Thank you for the opportunity, the all welcoming acceptance, and the unconditional love. You truly are an inspiration worth following. May you have more birthdays to come. Vive les arts! Long live the arts!

~myeviltwin

Alive

The termination of an activity or goal of an action. The end.

You race to go to work on time. You race to finish a work load of assignment. You race to get that good parking spot. You race to attain something of significance and sometimes of insignificance. Life is one hell of a race. As much as possible you have to be the first in everything because being left behind makes you feel like a total loser. Not only for one's own sake but other factors such as all these fast pace development around just makes you want to keep moving too. Remaining stagnant would seem like forever, we'd start to fidget and find something worthwhile to do. If boredom could kill then we'd be all swarmed with flies, dead, stiff, and cold. 

I went to another session of Expressive Arts Therapy, it's been awhile since I last attended. I've been busy with school work, on the job training, exams, and not to mention other stuff not related to school. Every morning became such a burden. I literally had to drag myself out of bed, forcing my brain to stop making excuses. There is no time to waste. I need to do this or that, need to finish this and that, my schedule's fully booked. I feel like a puppet and other people are holding on to the strings that allow me to move. I do their every command with no hesitation. Yes, my life sucks indeed.

The game during the session was racing. Here we go again, I thought. But then the rules changed. Instead of running fast, you needed to run slow. The slowest wins the race. What a peculiar turn of events. And so the game began, being one of the young people in the group, my friends and I decided to make it more interesting. To make ourselves run slower, we would do the robot moves. We were the last 3 people in the race, go effin' tripod! Then I started to get bored and so I ran fast to the finish line. I left my 2 friends behind and eventually they followed my lead. So much for wanting to take things slow.

Someday when I actually get my head on straight, I plan to drop everything and go somewhere. Leave everything behind, disappear, get lost and live. It's not that I'm running away from it all. It's more of like, I need a break from it all. I'm getting used to living with the fast growing lifestyle and that's a bad thing. I may be standing tall but I'm actually living the life everyone expects me to live. 

Living life to the fullest means not putting to waste each second that passes you by. It also entails that you actually live for you alone, live because you want to and not because you have to. If racing is a way of life then I wish to unlearn it. I won't be able to live by dashing off from here to there faster than the speed of light now, would I? It's not a race. It's just life.

And so for this moment, I close my eyes and take a breath. 

~myeviltwin

Make a choice

I am torn.

Matthew 6:24 says, you cannot serve two masters. Although I do not follow much of what is written in the bible or actually read it to begin with, I can attest that not in all things this is applicable. I can do my homework while listening to music. I can take a call and write down a ticket. I can eat and watch television at the same time. The term is called human multitasking to be exact. It is the ability of a person to perform more than one task at the same time.

However, there is one thing that ultimately becomes a contradiction to this. Love. Sure, you can love a family member and a special someone at the same time, you can have two boyfriends or two girlfriends, have more than one best friend perhaps. But then, someone has to be closer to your heart in all those people you claim to love. I don't believe in people who say, I love them all equally. That's an answer they use as a means of hiding what they really feel because people hate having to choose one thing over the other. We all want everything that makes us happy. Sometimes we want things that are not meant for us. We still work in order to gain it though we know it's only for a moment's time of happiness.

Contentment. I ask for this value each time I pray, which truthfully is never often. It's when you have contentment, you feel most happy in what you have. You don't just simply settle for something or someone. You embrace what you've got and feel like you're the luckiest being in the world for having attained that gift, whether it be in the form of something material, or in the form of an abstract feeling like the love of a person. 

I don't know the exact time span or what to do in order to have that. I guess it'll just come to a person. It'll be be the time when you stop asking for the latest gadgets or what's in trend. And maybe, when a person actually stops thinking, I wish I had two hearts to love you and another.

~myeviltwin

Sweetness

Ice cream makes me happy, love.

As I tiptoe my way to open the curtains, I can imagine her sweet smile greeting me another wonderful morning. The sweet smell of her perfume still lingers on her side of the bed. As I walk down the halls of our dream house built on the foundation of our love, I can still feel her warmth walking beside me. That's how it has always been for awhile now, she's so close and yet so far from my reach. And if I listen closely I can hear the sound of her beating heart, I know for a fact that it only beats for me. I can still hear her voice clearly now as if she never left, as if she's just there, calling me.

"Honey, breakfast is ready". "I'm sorry love, I don't feel like eating breakfast, really" I said. She replied with that silly puppy eye look she gives me, "Oh please, won't you join me for breakfast? It's only the most important meal of the day, you know. And after let's go buy ice cream for dessert tonight. Pretty please?" And with that she instantly changes my mind. Seriously, no one can ever resist that puppy eye look she gives. Most importantly, I can never resist the whole of her entirely. She knows me better than anyone in the world, even more than I know myself. She has always been the light that guides me home. The one who plants a smile on my lips when I'm feeling down. My love for her grew a million times more than my own body can contain, when she had our first child. Our little bundle of joy just overflows with love. To top it off, she's the spitting image of her mother in almost every way. Life could not get any better than this. My two great loves, here in my arms. I thought the happiness would last for as long as I lived. And then the solid wheel of my life just went into a sudden halt when I heard the news.

"She's dying. Only about 6 months or less to live. I'm sorry". Sorry. That's all the doctor had to say. He breaks the most dumbfounded news and sorry is all he can give to me. I wanted to walk right in front of him and crush his skull with my bare hands. Just as I was about to make reality the image of strangling him, she held my hand tightly. I saw her tears flowing and I immediately hugged her. I asked her if she was okay, if anything hurt, most importantly, I hugged her to let her know I was there for her. She looked up and stared at me for a second, smiled through her tears and said, "Honey, let's go get ice cream".

She's on her hospital bed now. It's been a year since the doctor had set an expiration date for her. It just goes to show how strong she is. I'm proud of her and yet at the same time, it ultimately breaks my spirit when I see her in pain. If only I could take it all for myself. Just take me, please. Not my wife. She's always been so good and so wonderful. Why take such an angel away? I try to be more than just be a husband. At home, I juggle my way through work and taking care of our daughter. As much as I didn't want to leave her side, she forces me to continue on living normally. Our little angel is 3 now, she's smart like her mother. Too smart, she asked me one day when her momma's going to be home. I gently pinched her cherub cheeks and said, "Soon angel, I really hope soon". But the heavens did not permit that. As each day passed by, she grew weaker and her body failing. Despite this, she continues to remain optimistic. She still had that hint of glow in her eyes. And she still craves for that sweet dessert, you guessed it, ice cream. One day I said, "You know love, I'm going to get diabetes and eventually follow you". "Don't say that", she replied. I bowed my head torn between the two great loves of my life. I wanted to be with her but I can't leave our daughter. I'm sure she wouldn't let me. She startled me while I was in deep thought. "Ice cream makes me happy and I love you". At that moment, I broke down. The tears I kept just all washed out. "I love you too. So, please get better. Don't leave us. Don't leave me". I admit I was like a child but truth be told, that saying that goes, I can't live without you is true. Or at least, it applies to me. This time, she was the one who had to hug me. "I'm sorry this is hurting you. I'll always be here. I'll always love you. Be strong. Please let me go". 

She's gone now. Our daughter and I are sitting outside the church. The service had finished an hour ago but we both decided to stay. She's quiet and so am I. In a way, she got that gift of silence and drowning in deep thought from me. The final conversation I had with my wife was not easy but as you can see I decided to let her go. To force her to stay would just hurt us both. I didn't want to see her suffering anymore. I calmed myself down that night, kissed her forehead, and said, "I'll always love you too. Rest well my love". She smiled and held my hand throughout the night. In the morning, she was declared dead. I was heart broken and devastated. Our daughter cried in my arms when she heard the news. She's so young and yet she understands fully what death means. 

A few minutes passed, our little girl held my hand and said, "Daddy, let's go get ice cream". "You sound like your momma. Why do you want ice cream?" I said. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and replied, "Ice cream makes me happy. Momma always said, happiness is best shared with someone you love. And I love you, daddy". I was stunned, so the mystery of her mother's taste for the sweet delight has been revealed. I never really thought of it that way before, it makes sense to me now. I held on to my little girl's hand, smiled and replied, "And your momma's absolutely right, I love you both too".

~myeviltwin 

Mamma Mia

Mom, please love me for me.

She lies in bed, consumed by the darkness and the dead eerie silence of the night. Around this time she contemplates about her life. She smiled thinking of how her day went with her friends yesterday. She's sincerely happy for the moment. Almost at lost in her reminiscing she then stopped before she'd drown in her fantasy. And then a heavy sigh followed, all the happiness disappeared as quickly as it had surfaced. 

Earlier in the day she had another fight with her mother. The type of argument where you would think the senseless bickering would never end. The angst she felt just flowed freely in her veins. There is a saying that goes, she remembered, that no other person in the world could love you more than your own mother. For a mother's love is unconditional. A mother's love is pure and powerful beyond compare. Then if that is so, she thought, my own mother cannot love me for what I am. She stares at the unknown distance, starts to tear up and alone inside the four walls of her room, she hears the slowly beating sound of her broken heart. My mom just does not understand me, she continued thinking. She only sees what she wants to see. And sadly, the only thing she does really take in are the memories of my past and present mistakes. More so, she even assumes the future mistakes I will commit. I know I'll never be perfect, she shouts in her head, but I know I've done my best to be a good daughter. Would it really kill her to show a little appreciation for the stuff I have worked hard to accomplish only for her?

To be criticized and ridiculed by other people is bad enough but what more when it's actually done by the one who claims to be the flesh of your flesh and the blood of your blood. It would hurt a hundred, even a thousand times more when painful words about you would come out from your own mother's lips. Cuts and burns are easier to fix than a broken self esteem and a bruised ego caused by the tormenting insults from the one you look up to. The more you hold your ground to fight for what you think is right, the more you falter. You are a rebel fighting without a cause. For in every situation your mother or father says you are dead wrong then there is not a chance in the world that you will ever be right to them. There are even others who know they are wrong and yet they will never admit to that.

The sad reality is starting to sink in her mind even more. But still she prays it'll all change. For she would have never been born if it weren't for her mother. She's thankful for the gift of life still despite of how she is treated. That's how much of a good daughter she is. She can never hate her forever even if she really wanted to. Because at the end of the day, all she really wants is for her mother to appreciate her. To care for her. To understand her. And to love her most of all.

And so she throws herself on her pillows as a form of surrender, as the rain started to pour, simultaneously her tears started to roll down her cheeks in defeat.  

~myeviltwin

Question

...Why?

In all things that I could not understand and for all reasons I can't thoroughly grasp, I tend to question why it is all happening to me.

Everyone has their ups and downs but when the downs just keep coming and when I'm in too deep, I wonder how much of a bad person I am to deserve all the troubles I'm going through. It's easy for people to say that the big guy up there's trying to test my faith. He wouldn't give me something I can't handle. I hear myself say; yeah right! How long does he plan to challenge my faith, would that be up until I don't have any left? Does he really want that to happen? I'm not much of a religious person as you can see. I do believe though that there is someone far greater than me out there. I don't know what his deal with me is but I sometimes wish he would step back and give me a break. 

Do you ever feel like the whole universe is conspiring to always get you to quit on life?

You have a problem and just when it gets solved, another one comes in and just throws you out of balance completely. Sometimes I wish I'd have the solutions to all my problems. What I wouldn't give for a cheat code or something to get me through tough times. If scientists can build ultra magnetic and what not time bombs, engineers can build more than a 10-story building, if Superman discovered you can wear tights and briefs on the outside, then why can't we have cheat sheets for various difficult situations too much for a person to handle!?

But then I retrace my thoughts, clear my head, and stop to actually think maturely. If I did have the answers to everything then I might as well be dead by now. If you ask me how I came to that morbid conclusion well it's simple really. If I had cheat codes to my problems, if the world is so damn perfect, if there's no more room needed for self improvement, then what the hell am I here in the world for?

People who usually go first are the good ones who have nothing left to contribute in the world because they've done their time and paid their dues. Those of us left, well, we're still trying to figure out what we're here for. And I guess through each of the problems we encounter and single-handedly or with the help of others unravel, we find a piece of the large puzzle we're trying to discover and a clue for our actual purpose. To minimize death tolls due to suicide or increase of patients in psychiatric wards, we should all learn not to always try to make sense out of something that does not make sense at the moment. There is a rational explanation for everything. Those people who are patient enough will surely be rewarded by being given the reason why a certain situation has happened in the end.

A friend of mine told me at one time that for every muscle you tear or bone you break, once it heals, it becomes stronger. And with that logic I come to make out that for each troublesome catastrophe that blows up on each of us, when we actually survive and live to tell the tale, we too become stronger in both heart and mind. 

What does not break our soul, keeps us alive.

~myeviltwin

The lesson

To love is gift and a curse.

Loving someone is the greatest feeling ever and at the same time it is a burden on one's part. As most of us know, when we love someone we not only give up the time we allocate for ourselves but in a way we also give up our whole being for that person. I sometimes see it as a modern way of sacrificial giving, instead of a lamb, you sacrifice your heart. Though you don't cut it out literally but when the moment comes the person you love can no longer reciprocate the love you give, you'd only wish it be taken out forcefully.

I'm not an expert on the subject of how to get over the person you once loved or the secrets of how to keep a relationship strong 101. I do know however that you can only get over someone when you decide so for yourself. You can be happy again when you choose to be happy. You either choose to stand or fall, it's always your call. The sickening truth in some cases is that some people love the pain unconsciously. That's why they continue to mourn for the relationship that would have worked out if it was actually meant to be. 

The second thing I know is that you always have to keep in mind that there is no such thing as forever. The inevitable will happen, you will die. The same thing as how you came into this world, you crawled out of your mother's tunnel alone and alone you shall leave the face of the earth. 

Third, believe in the saying an eye for an eye. There is always a price or an exchange for everything in life. But you'll learn a lot from this exchange. See, you will never learn to appreciate the sunshine if it doesn't rain. You can't appreciate happiness without sadness nor will you appreciate the ups of life if you haven't experienced being down. Most certainly then, you can never appreciate love if you won't get hurt. There is always that unwritten contract that when you love, you have to be prepared to get hurt. We sometimes miss out and forget about that fact. And it's no wonder why we crawl in a ball of regret in the end.

Fourth, stay away from fairy tale books. Stay in the reality and never in the world of make believe. Don't copy the lives of the characters in the books you read. You could either work your way into creating your own lovely story or rot and wait for the wrong princess or prince charming. Be my guest.

Lastly,  live in the moment. Live here and now. Live in the present. It's okay to dream of a future with your partner but never to the point where you'd have everything too planned out. Spontaneity is one of the keys for a long lasting relationship.

And so there, the results may vary but that's just me. I don't believe that love can survive a million light years. I only believe that the love you have now is a blessing. You can't have it forever that's why you have to value every moment of the wonderful feeling. So when the love is gone, you won't regret on anything but rather be glad to find out that you are capable of loving and surviving the hurt it brings.

~myeviltwin

Get mad

Anger is one letter short of danger

My once close friend and yet now my bitter enemy.

The keeper of my secrets and now the epiphany of my regrets.

What I wouldn't give to take back the days I lived under your shadow.

You made me your puppet.

You made me do your every whim.

And I was foolish enough to bow down and keep my mouth shut.

Everything had to be all about you.

I have never met anyone who's as selfish as you.

You don't admit it but you spend money in order to have friends.

I feel so sorry for you, it's high time you should realize that

money can't buy you true love nor happiness.

Your self proclaimed greatness has gotten into my nerves.

You challenged me to break out of my zone and so I did.

I broke the strings you've sown and now I live my life the way I choose.

You're not as strong as you think you are.

Wake up from your fantasy.

You think everyone likes you when everyone actually hates you.

To this very day I crave to tear you apart.

Pray you'll never see me again.

For I know enough of you that would make you wish you never met me.

~myeviltwin

Journey

A heritage of Cebu
Nuestra Señora del Pilar de Zaragoza

"I'll wake you up tomorrow at 4:30 in the morning", he said.

"Where are we going?", I asked.

"Out to jog from here to the next town". I smirked and said, okay.

I'm all about keeping my body fit. Although I don't eat the right kinds of food all the time but I do move a lot. I've been exposed to exercising just recently by my guy friends who are health enthusiasts. I've maintained my normal body weight until now, never going over board nor drastically dwindling down my weight.

I woke up, got in my jogging outfit, and went out to stretch. It's different in the province. You can tell by just the cold and wet grass smell of the air. It's better than the smoke from all the cars in the city. The roosters are starting to wake up, the sky just the right hint of purplish blue. I stood and saw the long stretch of road ahead of me. This is going to be an easy run, I told myself as I plugged my earphones and played my favorite song.

Our destination is a town called Sibonga. Later did I know that it was a 5 kilometer jog from where we were.  I've never been to that place and so I was excited to get there as fast as I could. We started to jog from the border. The first 20 minute jog was easy to do. I was concentrating on my steps and my breathing. My eyes were still on that long stretch of road and my mind was thinking about the time we would reach where we were headed. I want to see the place and take pictures.

There was a lot going through my head at that time and then suddenly I turned my head to the left. There I saw the beautiful view of the sun barely shining through the clouds. The green coconut trees dancing with the wind, farm animals grazing, the ocean and its waves. I stopped and was just in awe. I unplugged my earphones and took a picture of the view. All I could utter at that moment was, "wow".

I grew up in the province, yes. But I left when I was 12 and continued my life in the city. I've forgotten the simplicity of life and the beauty of nature because I've been too exposed to buildings, traffic, and all the craziness. My jog turned into brisk walking and finally just ended up into a walk. I took pictures of whatever I saw that ignited my curiosity. I asked questions on how things work there, how the place got its name, and urban legends. I saw old ancestral houses that looked creepy and awesome at the same time. And I even saw modern houses and imagined my own dream house in the future. The sun was at its rightful place in the sky by the time we reached Sibonga. We went to the pier where a few people had this simple rod made out of wood and string with a hook on the end to catch fish. I saw a century old Acacia tree and the old church that stood proud and strong just right across the pier.

As we went home on a tricycle, I felt the cold breeze of the air on my face. It was nice to finally get to live in the moment where I'm not in a hurry to do anything or be anywhere. True enough, it's never reaching the destination that is more important. If I had kept my eye and attention on just reaching where I needed to be then I wouldn't have discovered the magnificent things around me.

To reach the destination is a bonus. To discover about life on the journey is priceless.

~myeviltwin

Dream & Achieve

 A requirement for my English 13 class.
A character sketch: A true person. A true story.

Like Mike

Time was crucial. I was a working student, I have chickens to feed, and I have so many things to do. Time is lacking.

I have never met a man who had so much interest in chickens. He has never been late as far as I know it for he is so crucial when it comes to time. I met him 3 months ago and though we see each other often; I have never really come to talk about his back story. He is a man with a lot to say and this is because he has gone through a lot in his 46 years of existence.  He was born in a humble family on the 2^nd day of September 1964, the 5th child of Lydia and Pino who had 8 other children. 

His parents named him Michael but he prefers to be called Mike. As fairytales go, big families usually live together happily ever after, intact and well provided. But this wasn’t the case for Mike, after all this isn’t a fairytale story. This is one who speaks of a man who has lived through pain and misery, a man who has experienced hardships. This is a true story of a man who has lived in reality.

Although he had a loving mother, he had an irresponsible father to pair with it. His father was a carpenter and his mother was a simple housekeeper. Money had become the number one problem of his family. There was never enough to go around. The lack of resources had even hindered him from having books for school. The lack of cooperation within his family had affected him as well. The reason why the young boy had to become a man was simply because he had no choice. All these struggles had gotten to him and this contributed to Mike growing up too fast and too soon. Of course, he didn’t want to but he needed to.

It’s not new when we hear of people working in order to finish school. But knowing Mike, he worked 3 times as hard as anybody else I know. You can say he is a bit of a perfectionist but that’s what happens when you grow up too soon. He took accountancy in college because he loved math. Mike was a non academic scholar, he did house chores, and he was a working student. He had to juggle one thing after the other. You would think he was super man with the way he lived each day. Time was always and is still of the essence to him until this day. He has learned that time should be treated as a blessing for you can never have enough of it. That is why you should appreciate it when it comes. Despite all the hindrances Mike has encountered, he continued his studies. You reap what you sow and that is what he did. He sowed for what he wanted to achieve in his years in school and he reaped a number of awards including having the honor of being a part of the dean’s list. His life didn’t end just there yet. Mike continued his studies and he graduated from law school. He is currently taking his masters for special education.

Mike isn’t married yet. His family has always been his priority and that is why he has preferred to take care of them especially his mother. He continues to become an asset to the community by being a public servant, he prays over people and does apostolate work. Mike does this in order to inflict change among others like Ghandi. He admires him because he made a movement without adopting harm; he was a catalyst of change. The hardships he had lived through have made him appreciate and practice his family values until today. Through it all, Mike has become a stronger and better person. He never stopped and settled for just dreaming. He has made and is still continuing to make his dreams a reality.

Life is never always about happy moments. The life that can be said to have been worth living are the ones that comprise of bruised elbows and scraped knees. The scars from the stumbles represent how strong you are as a person. It shows that after each fall, you chose to stand and continue on living.

~myeviltwin

Pahiyom

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Pahiyom is the Visayan term for smile.

I've just learned this a few hours ago when a co member from our Expressive Arts Therapy group offered me a cut out paper with a note that said, "I need pahiyom everyday". According to her, she gave it to me as a gift because I need it the most among all the people who attended the session. My current situation has called for me to be strong and to be a grown up. I'm little in stature and the weight of the world keeps pulling me down. It's hard but I'm trying my best.

I'm not used to sharing my problems with other people. I'm not used to showing any signs of weakness and vulnerability. To cry in front of people would make me feel weak and defeated. However, all my defenses had crumbled when I told a sweet lady that I wished my mom was more like her. It sounds so corny but I meant every word I said. She kissed my cheek and smiled. How could you not feel even more teary eyed with a scene like that? How come this total stranger willingly accepts and holds me in her arms and my own mother can't even do that for me? I realized then how much I'm burdened by that reality.

Can a person still smile with a broken heart?

I can. At the end of the day I make it a point to continue on with life and keep smiling even if it hurts. My friends can't even tell when I'm bothered by something until I tell them. I've learned the art of portraying the perfect poker face. See, I have realized that whatever your emotion is, you mirror it around you. I'd rather be happy and have the world be happy with me. Don't you?

I know it's never going to be easy to just smile and not let things get you down. But one should always remember that there are more things in life much in need to be thankful for. When you learn to embrace the dark nights of your life, you will appreciate more the lightness of the day. Healing starts with acceptance and with acceptance you will learn to look back on your past without bitterness or resentment.

So now I accept that I have a dysfunctional family. I accept the hardships I am going through. I accept that the strong persona I show is only a facade. I accept that I am weak and I'll need help once in awhile. I accept the imperfectness of my being. And now, I am healing.

Keep the positivity in you flowing! Pahiyom my friend, smile everyday!

~myeviltwin